Finding meaning through MCR Pathways
From clicking an ad on Facebook at the end of 2023, to sitting on a stage in front of 200 attendee's with my first mentee.
Remember, remember, the 5th of November.
In the UK growing up this was a phrase that was heard often, because the 5th of November was Guy Fawkes night. As a kid, I loved seeing the bright fireworks and standing round a bonfire with family. But when I learned the symbolism, I never really understood it. We set off fireworks and stand around a bonfire to celebrate a man being set on fire for failing to blow up parliament with gunpowder? Okay…
I am a very jumpy person so Guy Fawkes night usually comes with anxiety, not knowing when the next bang will be and worrying about my kitties. But I remember the 5th of November for other reasons. One of my best friends in high school, Sammie, had her birthday on the 5th of November. Unfortunately Sammie passed away due to SUDEP and was forever 19. I like to think what she would be like now, if she was still here.
This year, the 5th of November is a silver lining I will remember for a long time. Being involved in the MCR Pathways Inaugural Vital Spark Summit, and on stage with people who have the same amount of passion towards the goal of every young person having a trusted adult, felt huge.
I clicked a Facebook ad in September of 2023 thinking I would give an hour a week to a young person who needed support. What started as a small commitment became one of the most grounding parts of my life. Two years later, it led me to a stage, a mission, and a community built on purpose. This is the story of how mentoring helped a young person find their spark, and helped me rediscover the parts of myself I thought I had lost somewhere in my recovery.
From signing up - first meeting
and all of the anxiety in between
After signing up, things felt like they moved pretty quickly. I had my 1:1 a few weeks after signing up and a couple of years later, I cannot really remember much about it or the questions that were asked, but I remember the woman saying that the answers I had given were exactly what they were looking for in a mentor. A month after the 1:1 I signed on to my training session that mentors are required to go through before being matched with a young person.
Again, my memory is a little hazy on the training but I can remember some parts. I am not certain how many people were there but it definitely was not an empty room. There were people from all backgrounds; marketing, accounts, fire service and retired, looking to give back to the community. I think this was the first glimmer of belonging even if I did not register it in that moment. In the 1:1 I was told my answers made me a good fit and what they were looking for in a mentor and, being in the training, it felt like everyone came with their unique skill set that would make them a “good mentor”.
I still had the noise in the background that I have gotten so used to, the overthinking and self doubt. Although frustrating at times, I have come to learn that there is more of that anxiety when it is something that I care about. There has been a lot of overthinking in my recovery and learning to accept my disability but it taught me a core principle - be scared and do it anyway. I do not want to let fear shape my life, but instead find a way to use that fear to help me meet my full potential.
Training, conversations and seeing things differently
I am absolutely terrible at remembering names, but at the training I was paired with an older lady while we looked at different situations that may play out in school, meant to create discussion about care experienced young people, social issues and potential safeguarding areas. I cannot remember the situation, but it was about a young person experimenting with gender identity, identifying as non binary and wearing items like a skirt when masculine presenting.
The older woman and I had a conversation about the situation. Not too long before this I had a chat with my Gran about the same topic as I was telling her about one of my non binary friends getting married, and she had said she only had a slight understanding because of seeing it in soaps like Emmerdale. I related back to that conversation but also to how difficult life can be at that stage in a young person’s life. Younger children are encouraged to wear clothes that they feel comfortable in, that are not confined by gender, but as children get older that can feel a bit more difficult when it comes to school uniforms, it can feel more restrictive. Teens are going through puberty and it is the time of their life when they should be supported in how they express themselves and what makes them feel comfortable and what does not.
For some young people that may mean:
it is their choice of hairstyle or colour
trying out make up for self expression
seeing how it feels to be called different pronouns or by a preferred name
trying to wear clothes out of what is seen as the social norm – boys and skirts or pinafores, girls maybe more formal like a topcoat
It could be one of these or two or all of the above. For a young person who already feels pressure to have things figured out, being in the middle ground can mean it is less pressurised.
The woman thanked me as she was able to see it from a different perspective. Not long after that, I am not sure if it was sharing answers around the situations as a group or something different, but I had given an answer and my lovely pair mate joked that I should be helping to run the training instead of taking part in it. In that moment I laughed it off, took the compliment while still fighting the imposter syndrome that I should even be there at all. I did not think that two years later I would be volunteering to host training sessions to help out.
We went through the basics of child safeguarding, confidentiality, what was within the mentor’s control, and when we had to leave it up to the other resources who are better suited to help each individual situation. It is easy to fall into the “rescue trap” when a young person is struggling with something interpersonal, however it is a mentor’s role to be someone trusted to talk to, not “rescue” or try to “fix” what the young person is struggling with. We are there to ensure they are supported in overcoming whatever the situation is.
Meeting my mentee
I think it was probably three months of patiently waiting to be matched. It was over the festive period so I was fine with the wait. I also knew that they try to match people depending on shared interests or goals so I knew that it would happen when they had found the right match.
08.01.2024 was the date decided that I would go to the school, meet Laura (the school’s coordinator, so basically my… boss? I guess 😅). She gave me a tour of the school and we ran through some paperwork, the process for me to get my mentor name badge and then the last 20 minutes were left to meet my mentee. I got a short few lines about the young person before we met, Laura told us the reasons she had matched us and then the three of us played some Uno. I had only played once before but it was a good way to break the ice.
Maybe in the last 5-10 minutes Laura popped out and we were left on our own. There were maybe 15 seconds of silence and the overthinking kicked in:
What do I even talk to a young person about? What do I actually have to offer here? Gosh, what if she hates me?
(Spoiler alert: she did not.)
So initially, after letting those worries flicker through my brain, I sparked up a conversation about what she wanted to do, where she wanted to study – these were things that Laura had mentioned on why we were matched. I think we spoke a little bit about shopping but mostly we told each other about our pets, I think she even showed me some pictures. It definitely did not feel as awkward as I was worried it would be.
Wobbles, imposter syndrome and the slow burn of change
Although our relationship now is a testament to the power of MCR Pathways, it was not exactly smooth sailing over the 18 months my mentee was in school. There were lots of those imposter syndrome moments where I would really doubt myself and if I was making a difference at all.
My mentee struggled with attendance. I think our first meetings were a bit early and usually meant an apologetic Laura coming to tell me that unfortunately my mentee was not in school. In the times we did meet, she voiced her desire to leave school as soon as possible, so I was setting myself up for a short mentoring gig for the first one.
As the weeks went on, we found a time that mostly worked and Laura would remind my mentee by text or in person about our meeting just in case. She started to open up and let me in for support. In the beginning with friendship and how she felt about school, why she thought about leaving, and it began to go beyond school, into conversations about home.
I could feel the small shift, even within the chaos of a busy secondary school. Conversations about our pets and shopping turned into a deeper connection, being allowed in to support and sometimes just to listen and acknowledge the difficult feelings while celebrating the little wins. We worked together struggling with Nat 5 maths textbooks. It was not about teaching my mentee but working through it together.
Nat 5 maths on a deeper level showed me that in mentoring I do not need to have all the answers. We could work out a problem and the maths did not match the answer at the back, so I would be trying to get the internet to work to find out what to actually do. That also meant talking about her education journey. If she left as soon as possible, what were the next steps? That meant trying periods of college in school and learning what she disliked about it. What work or apprenticeship options were there? How did I end up with a degree?
I think most importantly it was reminding her that she did not have to have it all figured out. I have a nursing degree but still struggle with Nat 5 maths.
Just as we were gearing up for prelims, everything began to get very overwhelming. The school were trying to provide adaptations to create less stress for my mentee during exams, however the miscommunication meant it just added to the stress of exams. I was back to sitting waiting in the foyer, hopeful she would turn up, anxiety growing as the absence from school completely went on for a few weeks.
It was just after our little year anniversary of mentoring. I remember because I found a card for her that had a wheelchair user on the front and was so excited to see some representation. I still turned up every week. I think it was maybe week two or three of patiently waiting when Laura came to tell me unfortunately she was still absent. However, there was a planned meeting for the next day with my mentee and head to discuss if leaving school was the best option.
I went home and wrote an email to Laura with a little note for my mentee just to let her know I was proud of her and whatever decision she made I was there to support her. Whether that was in school or having my details passed on if she chose to leave. I just wanted to let her know that I believed in her and had her back whatever the outcome. I was worried about her, yes, but ultimately I just wanted her to be okay and happy.
I think that was the difference between leaving there and then or staying on until the end of the term. I was so happy to see her the next week. I asked if I could hug her and maybe squeezed a bit too tight, but I was just so glad she was alright.
Recognition, speeches and shaking cue cards
Roughly a month later I was invited to celebrate the impact of MCR Pathways in the council area as a whole. I was nominated for Volunteer of the Year and Local Hero for the area I was mentoring in. I was (and still am) so honoured to have been recognised and put forward as a nominee. Especially because I was just turning up every week and being myself.
Laura asked me if I would give a little bit of a speech on the evening and of course, whenever Laura asks I always agree when it comes to MCR Pathways. I had a rifle through my wardrobe, picked out a pretty dress, got my prosthetic on and sat with cue cards shaking in my hands while I spoke about the journey, the changes, in both of us. I nearly lost composure seeing people in the room with tears in their eyes. It really does feel wild to me that I registered to be a mentor while doomscrolling, turned up and was who I needed in the chaos of high school while staying true to myself, and it opened these doors for me. Doors that I may have never known existed, from opportunities I could have turned down due to fear.
Watching her grow
My mentee may have had a wobble with her prelims but I think after that we hardly missed a meeting until the end of term. She went away and looked at jobs, career paths, applied to college and would come in excited to tell me about the process and give me updates. I sat down one night before our meeting and racked my brain for some practice interview questions, but at the meeting she had so much gossip to tell me we did not get to the questions.
She went away and practised with the careers advisor and, seeing her before her first interview, she was genuinely excited. I think it was maybe the first interview that was a poor experience, not really set up properly, but she called up and asked if that was usual and advocated for herself. Then she could not wait to tell me about a group interview where she felt like she did really well and even made some potential friends.
There was a change in personal responsibility, being given the tools but able to go away on her own and complete the task. She clicked into school and turned up to every single exam. For me, the results do not matter as much. The main thing is she continued to turn up for herself, even when it felt hard.
It was not one moment where I felt like I “got it”, but made up of small actions, weekly conversations and what I have heard a lot of people describe as a “slow burn”.
Filming, impact and hearing it back
Just as our in school mentoring was coming to an end, my mentee and I were asked to be one of three pairs to take part in some filming for social media for MCR Pathways. I think, like the Summit, my mentee was the one to agree to it first, even though I would have said yes anyway.
It brought some anxiety being on camera. I really struggle with eye contact but it was set up like eye contact with the camera, not the interviewer. I could tell I kept looking away but I just could not help it. We signed all of the consent forms and the wait for it to go live felt excruciatingly long. I was checking all the socials and the website every day looking for it.
I did not expect Laura to show me a final version of it and there I was nearly crying in the canteen because, yes, I could feel like I had made a difference, but man. Hearing how someone speaks about you when you are not in the same room is a whole different level of confirmation that I am doing the right things.
I have cried quite a few times watching the videos, just overwhelmed with pride, but also because it really is proof, hard evidence to use when the imposter syndrome feels difficult. I was and am making a difference by just being Becca. Not nurse Becca, not disabled or amputee Becca… just Becca.
Find out more about MCR Pathways strategy and watch the videos filmed, down below.
What the Summit sparked for me
The Summit sparked a lot in me. One of those was a realisation that in 18 months there had been no conversation about my accident, amputation, outside factors like family, physio, etc. It is actually really refreshing. I noticed the same with my current and second mentee. It is something where yes, if they asked, I would answer whatever questions they have. But, at the same time, it is not about me.
I also feel like I am very aware of being mentorship appropriate, and kind of adapting skills I learned in nursing when building therapeutic relationships. Sharing human experiences can be a way of relating to who you are talking to and letting them know they are not alone, however there is a very fine line between relating and building that relationship and oversharing and basically burdening the person you are meant to be supporting. That feels like a harsh way to put it, but the only other phrase coming to my mind is trauma dumping on them and that is a hard no.
I began to write this to talk about the Summit and the part that I played, however I ended up having a lot more to say than I thought I would about this when I was planning it. Are you surprised? I am not.
Another big thing I took away from the Vital Sparks Summit was that there is a place for me out there. I am not sure what that looks like, if it exists already, or if I need to create the career that suits my passions and my disability. At the end of the Summit we were asked to make a pledge towards bridging the gap and I knew that I would use the small platform I already have to talk more about MCR Pathways and their mission of every young person having the allowance of a Trusted Adult that they can turn to. So this is the beginning of that.
I will hopefully have another little piece about the day written up shortly, and I am working on a podcast episode that may take some time to come together but it will all be worth it.
If you want to find out more about MCR Pathways you can visit:
https://mcrpathways.org/about-mcr-pathways
Or if you have a spare hour a week you can sign up to be a mentor here:
https://mcrpathways.org/become-a-mentor
